9 days

Only 9 more days. 9 days left until my son finally has my last name. Nine days left until he can legally be called by the name I have been whispering in his sweet little ear for 18 long months. 9 days until we are a legal family of four. I can’t even begin to process all the emotions I am feeling. I feel such joy that there aren’t even words grand enough to describe it; like the very best our english language has to offer cannot even begin to convey the depth and the breadth of the feelings this day will signify for me.

18 excruciating months of just NOT knowing. It would look good, and then look bad, visits would be kept, then blown, then decreased, then increased. Court decisions would get postponed, then go our way, and then visits would increase again. To say it has been an emotional roller coaster does not do justice to what my heart and mind have been through for the last 18 months. It has been an emotional blender. The other part of me is experiencing such an extreme sadness at the same time. I feel like I am grieving the loss of biological family my son is too young to comprehend. when I look at pictures and think back to the off and on times my son was with them; I am immensely thankful he has remained unharmed and thank the Lord everyday for placing him in our protection. But I am so sad. Sad for everything they should be but aren’t. I grieve the fact that they will never be what he needs and that they will never know the joy that he is to everyone around him. I am sad that they will never have even basic information about him; where he is, how he’s doing; they won’t even know his new name. and I am sad for him; that these people couldn’t get their life together in time to know an amazing little boy. I am so torn because throughout this entire process, for us to keep our son, they had to fail. Every victory for us was a defeat for them or a mistake on their part. I never prayed that they would fail or mess up, but I did pray that God would allow me to keep the child He so clearly placed in my arms, and that prayer had implications. For one to win the other must lose; for one to gain the other fails.

Watching your son, your very heart get carried out of your home by a stranger, while crying and reaching for you, knowing there is nothing you can do but wait until his visit is over is one of the worst feelings ever. Not knowing what is happening, not knowing if he is ok, or scared, or being cared for. Not trusting the workers assigned to monitor the visit any farther than you can throw them and trying to implore them to keep an eye on your son, your baby, your precious boy; while they look at you like you are just another client and you are getting way too attached to your foster kid.  Trying to find out information about how the case is going; something, ANYthing. Being told they will tell you as soon as they know but then being left out of the loop time and time and time again. Not knowing what else to do so you go on about your life. Trusting in God, but scared to death all at the same time. Bonding with your son, teaching him, watching him grow, listening to his giggle; all the while knowing that someone could ring your doorbell at any time and tell you to pack his things. Fear, joy, pain, anger, hope, helplessness, frustration, happiness, wonder, sadness, love, and disappointment all mixing together in such a violent cocktail you wonder if it won’t surely rip you in two; but then you look down into those big brown eyes and think “pour me a double, let’s do this again, I will fight for this child until my very bones turn to dust, you do not know me, and you surely do not know my God if you think this is even close to over!” 

 

Want to hear the best part? Let me whisper it to you: our God reigns. 

Did you catch it? Let me tell you a little louder: OUR God reigns! 

There is no use trying to contain it, let me shout it from the rooftops at the top of my lungs:

OUR GOD REIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has calmed every storm, overcome every obstacle, moved every mountain, and changed every circumstance and HE. HAS. BEEN. VICTORIOUS! All glory goes to Him, all honor and praise are due Him, He is STILL a God of miracles. I have never been so humbled in all my life, I feel like if I spent every day of the rest of my life on my face before His throne it would not be enough; His love is amazing! I know it is only through the power of Jesus Christ that this little miracle is sleeping in the room next to me right now; and that is where he is going to STAY! 9 more days and the clouds of fear and doubt will be blown away because he will (legally) be MY child and NO one can take him from me! What a day that will be when I hold him in my arms for the first time as his legal mama, and the Lord allows the law to confirm what He declared in the quiet of my heart 18 months ago!  It is just almost too much for this poor heart to bear; but isn’t that just like God? He is Good, friends. He is so good.